It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!
Libra: September 23 – October 22
Everyone will forget your birthday. Don’t feel bad though, your dog will leave you a nice, big present on your bed.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Your horrible boss will send you a Facebook friend request for the fifth time, not only to bother you at work but also through social media.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
You’ll notice that you aren’t scheduled for any shifts at work for the next two weeks. Thinking nothing of it, you’ll check with HR only to discover that you’ve been laid off and that they “forgot” to tell you.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
The huge zit between your eyebrows will earn you the nickname “The North Star”.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
While consuming a large pizza and a pint of ice cream, you’ll get around to reading about the workout and weight-loss plan you ordered.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Thanks to Dropcam you’ll learn that your roommate licks all of the flavoring off of the Doritos and puts them back in the bag.
Aries: March 21 – April 19
Your cat will decide to use your bowl of Rice Krispies as his litter box.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Damn the luck! Your ass will decide to delete the 650 photos saved on your cell phone.
Gemini: May 21 – June 21
After buying some noise-canceling headphones you’ll discover that they work all too well when your mom walks in on you jacking off to porn.
Cancer: June 22 – July 22
You are so desperately lonely that you’ll beg the telemarketer not to hang up on you.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
Apparently mentioning out loud that you would like to “stick it to her” in your sales contest will earn you a trip to HR.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Somehow, some way financial success remains out of your grasp on that new mustache-ride business.