Libra – September 23 – October 22
Your girlfriend will break up with you through a birthday card!
Scorpio – October 23 – November 21
Never again will you eat cottage cheese after your grandmother models her “sexy nurse” Halloween outfit before the family dinner.
Sagittarius – November 22 – December 21
You will find a pamphlet on alcohol counseling on your front door. It’ll be from the guys who pick up your recycling.
Capricorn – December 22 – January 19
You will come home to find your home broken into. After assessing the loss, you’ll see a note on the fridge saying, “Locks work best when the door is shut.”
Aquarius – January 20 – February 18
After starting your car, you will hear the most horrific sounds in the world coming from the engine. After popping the hood you’ll see the remains of your neighbor’s cat.
Pisces – February 19 – March 20
Your grandmother will walk in on you in the bathroom while you’re sitting on the toilet eating Nutella. She’ll tell everyone that you like eating your own shit.
Aries – March 21 – April 19
You know your life has hit rock bottom when you start trying to huff cans of spray paint.
Taurus – April 20 – May 20
You will make history later this month when you become the first person ever to be fired from a volunteer job.
Gemini – May 21 – June 21
Later this month you will find out the hard fact that your girlfriend and your father have been sending each other sexually explicit pictures.
Cancer – June 22 – July 22
While at the zoo with family you will discover that rhinos can actually pee backwards.
Leo – July 23 – August 22
This month, your colleagues and you will discover that your boss has been taking business advice from an astrologer as well as a soothsayer.
Virgo – August 23 – September 22
Your wife will appropriate your savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos.