It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!
Taurus: April 20-May 20
You’re proof we shouldn’t have participation trophies. You can’t help it though, you come from a long line of suck.
Gemini: May 21-June 21
Your girl watches so much porn with you that now she spits on hot dogs before eating one.
Cancer: June 22-July 22
You’re the reason we don’t have a cure for cancer, AIDS but most importantly, flying cars. Dick.
Leo: July 23-August 22
The universe unanimously agrees that offending and keeping you down is doing something right. Be a sport and take one for the team.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Congratulations! You are the pride of America where common sense is considered narrow-minded, bigoted and judgemental.
Libra: September 23-October 22
Stop posting about how flakey your friends are, everyone knows you don’t have friends.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Your co-workers might be smiling when you converse with them but they all have fears of you stabbing them in their sleep.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
Sometimes in life it’s best to let events unfold. That being said, doing so for the last 20 years was probably a huge mistake.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
The stars advise that the next time you’re at an orgy, be the guy midway through who brings refreshments so that you’re remembered as the one who didn’t finish first.
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Remember when you woke up because of the thunderstorm, sighed, and then made the long drive to your parents house to get in their bed…
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Remember: With hard work and determination, you’ll be able to accomplish something someone with natural talent just did without trying.
Aries: March 21-April 19
If it seems like your parents hate you, it’s because they do. They have been harboring a pretty intense grudge since a certain test came back positive.