Horrorscopes: March 2016

That'll be the last time that we leave our car there. Photo Courtesy: Dan Taylor-Watt
That’ll be the last time that we leave our car there. Photo Courtesy: Dan Taylor-Watt

It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!

Pisces: February 19-March 20
The problem that you’re having with your Hunger Games theme park is incorporating a tea cup ride into a child death tournament.

Aries: March 21-April 19
Remember everyone loves the town drunk in fictional works, not so much in real life and for God’s sake stop pissing on yourself.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
If you ever feel like no one in this world cares about you, you’re wrong. The person who has to clean up your body most defiantly cares because they could have had the night off.

Gemini: May 21-June 21
So you’re still trying to carry on the tradition of what Rainbow Reading stood for by having small children explain books to you.

Cancer: June 22-July 22
Stop being offended when people call you “The Fat Jew,” they aren’t being antisematic, they actually mean you’re a poser who can’t muster up an original thought. Don’t fret though, we live in the age where being a hack gets you somewhere. So fuck them! Am I right?

Leo: July 23-August 22
Your only real contribution to society is that your mere existence is so annoying, the great old one Cthulhu is kept at bay by it.

Virgo: August 23-September 22
You’re the type of person who would drive home drunk, wreck your car almost hitting someone else, and then start a Crowdfunding page to pay for your medical bills.

Libra: September 23-October 22
Don’t ever let the pressures of life get to you. To feel overwhelmed, you first need people to actually expect something out of you. So don’t worry, you’re good.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Being alone this St. Patrick’s Day is better considering last year your gift was an STD. The kinda memory you can’t forget no matter how much ointment you buy.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
After watching Fight Club you get the courage to quit your job and “live” your life. Just remember the first rule…

Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Even Cosplayers cringe at the thought of you having a picture of them.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Dogs freak out around you for the same reason they freak out right before an earthquake hits. They just see you metaphorically as a human-quake of suck.