Pisces: February 19 – March 20
You feel like shit, can’t remember anything and your ass feels like it took a pounding after that double date with Darren Sharper.
Aries: March 21 – April 19
You should really listen to your body. It has some great tales about hanging out with Keith Richards.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Have the courage to be persistent. Fight through the personal secretary and two security guards and demand that raise that you really don’t deserve.
Gemini: May 21 – June 21
You’ve always thought that you’d make a great father but judging from all of the restraining orders you’re beginning to doubt yourself.
Cancer: June 22 – July 22
Things will go awry when you head over to the Sam Pack Ford dealership and ask for a pussy magnet…
Leo: July 23 – August 22
After taking three ambiens you’ll have a great meeting with the woman of your dreams and some messy sheets.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
A tragic fire at your house will claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, harmonica player and drummer in your one-man band.
Libra: September 23 – October 22
You believe that your peers have lost all respect for you, but truth be told, you never had it to begin with.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Your feeling of loneliness will not last forever. The stars foresee a fiery car crash in your near future.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
After politely waiting on hold for four hours you are beginning to think that your call isn’t really that important to them.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Take note: Several of your closest friends and family will bring up your personal flaws at your funeral making others feel slightly uncomfortable.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Hey shitcock! Remember that single-ply toilet paper just ain’t right.