It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!
Gemini: May 21-June 21
It’s your birthday! Be happy that your whole life is still ahead of you. Here’s some advice: try to think in terms of quality not quantity.
Cancer: June 22-July 22
Venus rising in your sign means that it’s already June which actually means that you’ve spent the past two months in a drunken state.
Leo: July 23-August 22
You’ll learn a valuable lesson about sharing this weekend when Reggie joins you in the holding cell.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Now that you have 4,553 Facebook friends see how many send you Christmas presents later this year.
Libra: September 23-October 22
The stars are going to go out on a limb here and say you’re tired of elevator music.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Remember how you hit that little kitten and didn’t stop to help. Well it has an attorney and is about to sue your ass!
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
You might not be an expert on which spiders are poisonous and which one’s aren’t, but tomorrow you’ll find out about one that is.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Before they got a hold of you, the paramedics thought they had seen everything. Well you showed them!
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Expect some major changes in the upcoming weeks now that you’ve been receiving both the “clear” and the “cream” in the mail.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
You’ve always been one for quick goodbyes but you’ve been standing on that ledge for a few days now.
Aries: March 21-April 19
They say that only God can judge you… but everyone else still thinks you’re an idiot.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
While trying to eat healthier and exercise more is certainly admirable, trying to dodge traffic on 635 is just plain stupid.