It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!
Gemini: May 21-June 21
It only makes sense that your career change from pro wrestler to porn actor will be a success since after taking a chair to the face – everything else seems manageable.
Cancer: June 22-July 22
Later this month you’ll walk into your boss’ office to ask for a raise and walk out unemployed.
Leo: July 23-August 22
Your girlfriend will suggest that you start using a safe word during sex – not because you’re into BDSM or anything weird, but in case she gets bored and wants you to stop.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
The stars advise that the next time you’re at an orgy, be the guy midway through who brings refreshments so that you’re remembered as the one who didn’t finish first.
Libra: September 23-October 22
There will be tons of praise and admiration for you this month, but don’t get too excited, this is the social norm at funerals.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Your life has been going so fast recently that you should really slow down and appreciate the car wrecks on the highway.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
Once again a battle of wills shall take place at the office. You will be victorious since you’re a spoiled, worthless, manipulative dickhead.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Remember: With hard work and determination, you’ll be able to accomplish something someone with natural talent just did without trying.
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Sometimes in life it’s best to let events unfold. That being said, doing so for the last 20 years was probably a huge mistake.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Summer is here and now you can watch everyone having fun while you sit on your porch stroking your… cat.
Aries: March 21-April 19
Your prized collection of Family Circus cartoons will inevitably result in your being beaten to within an inch of your life by your cell mates at Lew Sterrett.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
Once again your insurance company will insist that it has no obligation to insure you as long as you’re still frozen in carbonite like Han Solo.