It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!
Gemini: May 21 – June 21
You’ll come home from work to see your wife day-drunk and trying to vacuum the front yard.
Cancer: June 22 – July 22
You’ll wake up and stumble over to the window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine will be lovely, the sight of your elderly neighbor doing some kind of nude yoga won’t be.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
You will soon discover that even though your roommate doesn’t buy alcohol, he isn’t above stealing yours and slowly replacing it with water.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Your job at McDonald’s will sink to a new low when you are called into the men’s bathroom to break up sex between two homeless people.
Libra: September 23 – October 22
Your grandmother will politely let you know that since your dad was a mistake that by default you are also a mistake.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
While taking a piss a mosquito will come out of nowhere and head straight for your dick. In your startled attempt to ward it away, you’ll piss all over everything including yourself.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
You’ll walk in on your mom showing her friends that she can deepthroat a banana.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Your girlfriend will admit to you that she sees you as nothing more than a dildo with annoying emotions.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Your girlfriend will suggest you try something new and spontaneous. Excited to find out first-hand, you’ll hurry over to her place only to find out that she’s just taken up vegan cooking.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Your mom will invite you over yet again so you can practice your culinary degree by making an exquisite, gourmet meal for her dog; a three year old Pomeranian who pees in your shoes.
Aries: March 21 – April 19
The stars predict you will retrieve the wrong luggage from an airport carousel making you the owner of two waterbras, a false beard, a bag of cat litter, and some anal beads.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
You’ll bring your girlfriend of a year and half to meet your parents. It turns out that she actually dated your dad previously. He’ll be glad to give you some pointers on the DL.