Horrorscopes: January 2016

There's nothing worse than a New Year's Day hangover. It's time for some hair if the dog... Photo Courtesy: Jeff Casillas
There’s nothing worse than a New Year’s Day hangover. It’s time for some hair of the dog…
Photo Courtesy: Jeff Casillas

It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!

Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Welcome to DFW where the entertainer on stage is also your waiter and your Uber driver!

Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Just because you are offended doesn’t make you right. Especially considering the rest of us are offended simply by your existence.

Pisces: February 19-March 20
When life gives you lemons paint a face on one. Tell it your darkest desires. Buy it jewelry. Grow old and die with it at your bedside.

Aries: March 21-April 19
Do you ever ask yourself why bleach bottles have a “don’t drink” labels on them? Of course you don’t because for you it’s a life saving advice.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
Wasn’t it cool to finally have a date for New Year’s Eve, even if it was the cause of your first kiss of the year being postponed because she left with someone else. Always next year champ!

Gemini: May 21-June 21
Dying a little bit inside after seeing “what I wanted to do in 2015 vs. what I actually did” memes is in fact something for which to be ashamed.

Cancer: June 22-July 22
The fact that ICP fans don’t want anything to do with you is nothing for which to be proud.

Leo: July 23-August 22
The year 2016 will be as good for you as Lady Gaga will be on American Horror Story. In other words it’s going to be bad for you and everyone involved should feel bad.

Virgo: August 23-September 22
Pat yourself on the back by staying alive another year thanks to a society that prevents natural selection from doing its job. It’s not like you’ll thank the SJW’s yourself.

Libra: September 23-October 22
The correlation of how many people seem to be creeped out by you since the release of Spotlight isn’t coincidence. Don’t bother changing your look; it’s just the vibe you give off.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21
The month is full of potential. Anything can happen! But in all likelihood for you it won’t.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
Your family and friends are taking up too much of your time. Time you’d rather be using on the internet with total strangers.