It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Is it a coincidence that your crush posted about only ugly people being at the party after saying hi to you? Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to put some cash aside for plastic surgery.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Enjoying a cup of coffee by yourself is nice every now and then, except when it’s after the person you were gonna originally grab coffee with is arrested for public intoxication outside of the coffee shop. At least the profanity shouted at you wasn’t as bad the last time.
Aries: March 21-April 19
New experiences for a new year seemed exciting, but 911 calls because of a stuck sex toy is stretching it. Literally, to unhealthy lengths.
Taurus: April 20- May 20
You look like an insensitive cunt offering Rolaids to your friend’s wheelchair-bound homosexual brother, but everyone is too busy thinking you’re gross for carrying around Rolaids.
Gemini: May 21-June 21
With David Bowie passing everyone remembers how he taught us how to be ourselves. You obviously learned nothing from him.
Cancer: June 22-July 22
You keep telling yourself that being your own Valentine is empowering, but that quickly turns to being shameful after your daily PornHub session is done.
Leo: July 23-August 22
So getting stood up by an escort isn’t the best way to spend Valentine’s Day, but hey, that’s $120 saved. Plus, if it happens two more times you can just buy a used Playstation 4 at that point.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Even though you didn’t win the Powerball never forget: Some of you will be murdered and most likely by someone you trust.
Libra: September 23-October 22
It may be a new year and a new you, but your Valentine’s Day will be the same as in the past, spent alone reading everyone else’s social media posts about the great time they’re having.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
That moment you realize that your milk has a Valentine’s date and you don’t.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
Geoffrey Arend is married, and to an extremely attractive person at that. Just let that sink in for a second.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
So now we know that your hobbies include sleeping alone and disappointing everyone close to you.