It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Hey it’s your birthday! You’ll get two gifts in the mail: a jar of wrinkle cream and an ad from a funeral home.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
The Force is with you. A kid will look at you, scream and then run away yelling “Chewbacca!”
Aries: March 21-April 19
This week, like every other week; you’ll have to listen to people addicted to sex. Funny thing is, you have to treat people for something you’ve never had.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
You’ll soon learn that your new Roomba smears dog shit all over the kitchen floor.
Gemini: May 21-June 21
Desperate for work, you’ll go into a shop and ask the owner if he has any jobs to fill. He’ll look you up and down and reply, “Yes, but not for people like…you.”
Cancer: June 22-July 22
You’ll get reprimanded from your boss for saying “It’s a stab in the dark.” According to him it’s a gay euphemism for anal sex.
Leo: July 23-August 22
Have fun explaining your new nickname: “CumFart.”
Virgo: August 23-September 22
You’ll return from your two-week vacation only to discover that your roommate has been shitting in the bathtub while you’ve been gone.
Libra: September 23-October 22
While trying to show your family a cool website your porn instincts will kick in as you accidentally type in the address to your favorite site.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Your boss will notice the McDonald’s bag on your desk and casually mention how it smells like your future.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
The stars advise that you shouldn’t take the risks that you want to take for the next three months or so.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
After standing in front of the bathroom mirror it soon will become very clear that you now see the missing link between primates and humans.