It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!
Aries: March 21 – April 19
A horse died on the set of Fast & Furious 8 and the adjective being used while reporting is “tragic.” Sad thing is more people care about this horse dying than they do about you…
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
A 21-year-old invested $1,500 in stocks and turned it into $1 million. The look of spite and disdain your parents gave you while bringing that up was totally just coincidence.
Gemini: May 21 – June 21
Your friends know beauty sleep doesn’t apply to you and choose to ignore the cries for help in the form of you chugging Nyquil. If you live through this one, stop calling it Night-quil.
Cancer: June 22 – July 22
Asking if the news of the first-ever, all-female flight crew in Saudi Arabia is an April Fool’s joke, might be the worst way to respond in 2016, but then again you are the worst so…
Leo: July 23 – August 22
Despite what Donald Trump promises, your generation’s birth ended any chance of making humanity great again let alone America.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
You’ll finally decide to try cannabis for the first time to see what all the fuss is about. Too bad it’ll be laced with PCP.
Libra: September 23 – October 22
The irony will kick in of 4/20 being on a hump day this year after being screwed over when you are fired the next day for posting your celebration of the holiday on Facebook.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Time to prioritize major changes in your life after you are rejected from joining OkCupid. The bright side is you don’t have to worry about getting a good profile pic now.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
Maybe you could use a joint after you find your parent’s published book, My Child, The Lil’ Bastard in the non-fiction section at Half-Price Books.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
“A face only a mother could love” proves to be untrue when your mother offers to pay for plastic surgery as an early birthday gift.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
You’re the type of person who bitches about no one helping the homeless while you donate to help Kanye West’s “debt.” Your parents regret teaching you not to play in traffic.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Faking your death on April Fool’s Day results in instant regret when you learn everyone seems a lot happier at the thought of you gone.