1. I remember when picking up a pair of 40s meant it was party time. Now it just means I’m getting new pants.
2. For the sake of honesty and accuracy, let’s change the Dallas Police’s slogan from “serve and protect” to “fine and harass.”
3. Sony will be introducing its new heavy metal super-group: Anger Grave Black Death Evil Hate Hell Kill. The CD release party will be at the Have A Nice Day Café.
4. Not to be outdone, Murder Records just signed a new band: The Cannibal Necrophiliac Vomitorium Dismembered Bleeding Fecal Matters. CD release party at the Arboretum.
5. Why would I want to download Paris Hilton naked? I’ve seen better-looking asses carrying tourists down the Grand Canyon.
6. Why are there 20 mph speed limit signs by Catholic Girls Schools? Do they want me to speed up?
7. Can’t decide between a piercing and a tattoo? Get the piercing. At least you can remove it and not look like an idiot when the fad passes. Cigar and a swing dance anyone?
8. FYI for those who say ‘life sucks.’ It ain’t life that sucks, it’s you.