By Jacy Cox
Ah Tinder, the fireball of the online dating world. Commitment that inevitably ends in disaster and vehemently causes you to promise you’ll never do it again.
Admittedly there are great girls out there, and you’re not going to stop until you find that beer drinking, Cowboys season ticket-owning, burgereating, C cup, size 0 beauty you so rightfully deserve! So let’s filter through the filth and get you your true love:
Ah, the clone. She’s the gal with the profile picture with several friends pre-gaming in the apartment you moved into when you first left the dorms. Her bio will tell you how much she loooooves wine, movies and food really setting her apart from the rest of the pack. Are these chicks related? Jesus they’re identical. No way in hell you’ll be able to figure out which one is her, but they’re all 6s so just pick.
This girl is a model just like I’m a Nobel laureate. When you meet her, she’ll vaguely resemble her picture, except that now she looks like the “before” of a Hydroxycut ad. Judging from her profile, her favorite things in life are faith in the Lord, bikinis, and turning her face sideways in pictures. Not necessarily in that order.
MG she’s so wacky. She can’t wait to tell you about this new band she found that you’re pretty sure you’ve heard on Spotify 40 times already. All of this girl’s pictures are her in sunglasses, “just chillin’ and livin’ tha life” at (insert concert here). Unfortunately, she’ll all but chemically castrate you with her unending, overbearing knowledge of all things music. On the plus side, she’s probably holding.
Get ready to hear allllll about how YOLO girl is “down for anything” and “haaaates drama.” Ironically YOLO girl doesn’t seem to value her one life since there’s an entire goddamn album of selfies taken from the driver’s seat. On the plus side, she’ll probably be down for cutting drinks short and heading back to your place. Wrap it up boys, YOLO.
You sir just made yourself a pen pal. Guaranteed, you never will meet this girl in the real world. Ever. She seems so cool! You would tooootally hit it off if you just hung out! Sorry dude. She’ll blow you off every time because she’s super busy with one of her “best” friends’ life events. It’s surprising she had time to get on Tinder with this bitch’s schedule. Her bio is filled with shoutouts to all her best girls. She’ll tell you that Thursday night “sounds great!” but come day-of, she’ll suddenly remember it’s her cousin’s birthday…the one staying at her place…for the foreseeable future.
Oooh she’s hot alright. Is she on the Victoria Secret angel B squad or something? She sure takes a lot of pictures in her underwear. That’s so nice of her. She must be super sweet. Some nice girls take pictures in their lingerie right? No. The answer to that always is no. That is a hooker. Her bio is a Skype handle. Notice she has no friends in any of her pictures. She’s running a business, not trying to promote the competition.
Oh shit you almost swiped left. Holy mother of God is this girl hot. It’s like Maria Menounos and Hannah Davis had a baby and it’s this girl. Text her right away or give it a couple days? You’ll stew over this shit for hours and settle on something “laid-back” – hey pretty lady. Jackass.
The 1 Degree of Separation
Seventy mutual friends, who the fuck is this? She’s friends with half of your high school class. Did she go there? You have been blacking out more than usual, sure. But this girl has more friends in common with you than your roommates. Word will definitely get around if you’re a scumbag to this one. This chick either knows or is bff with someone you dated or banged.