7 Ways Not To Make It To The 2nd Annual Manual

We love our readers more than fat kids love high fructose corn syrup so we want to make sure that you guys are around for our Annual MANual for many years to come. So, here is our list of things to avoid for the next 365 days. Enjoy and be safe…or else.

Heart Attack Grill
This Las Vegas culinary casualty maker has put at least two customers in permanent to-go bags since 2011 with burgers tipping 8,000 calories on its menu.

Bumpers of Mack Trucks
At least you would head to the netherworld pretty quickly with this unceremonious way to be drafted to the world of the non-living – unless you get hit by a slow-moving Mack truck.

Zombies
Laugh all you want but after seeing what happened in Miami, New Jersey, rural Texas, and Maryland this past week we are investing in our antizombie spray…and a Mossberg shotgun.

The Humbolt Squid
Next time you go out for a refreshing dip in the Eastern Pacific Ocean make sure to steer clear of this bad mofo. This huge predatory squid hunts in packs of up to 1,200 and communicate with each other to attack their prey.

Philly
2011’s winner of the city “Most Likely To Pop A Cap In Your Ass” brought in a whopping 324 homicides last year. Apparently it isn’t always sunny in Philadelphia.

Tickling Great Whites
As tempting as this may seem, please don’t try this. But if you do please, please, please make sure to bring someone else along with you to record it. Why should such a hilarious moment in human history go unseen?

Vacationing in Yemen
If this seems like a great idea to you here are a few other things that may be right up your alley: Grizzly Bear wrestling, pin the tail on the cartel drug lord, freelance MMA fighting, and Chernobyl house sitting.

By Danny Woodley – comments@blitzweekly.com

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